Setforward

Some people have very kindly e-mailed and sent us good strong wishes during our "setback". So I started thinking about that... It doesn't feel like we've had a setback because Abby is feeling SO much better. Maybe it's a "setforward", instead...

Setforward
Definition: An occurence that could be viewed as a delay in achieving a goal or as a reversal of progress, which when viewed otherwise actually contributes to forward movement in the desired direction.

Go ahead, look it up...

A Kick in the Teeth...and a Side of Gratitude

On Wednesday, Abby went to the vet because she was still not eating, vomiting what she did eat and not seeming better on the antibiotics.

The good news is that we now know why Abby hasn't been eating. The bad news is that it's because she has a second, different type of lymphoma. The good news is that this is the "garden variety" lymphoma that has very high remission rates. The bad news is that the chemotherapy protocol is 25 weeks of chemotherapy. The good news is that Abby had her first dose of the new chemotherapy on Wednesday and was starting to feel better by that evening. More good news is that she is acting pretty much like her old self since yesterday. She wants to eat, wants to be more active, is stealing cat food again, just generally living more Abby-like.

So, that's where we are. It does not seem that the Aloha Medicinals supplements have been helping - since she developed this lymphoma while on them, so it is likely that we will discontinue them. A nationally known holistic vet whose office I spoke with today recommends using immune boosting supplements following chemotherapy since a strong immune system during chemotherapy can reduce its effectiveness (i.e., the body protects all the cells from the chemotherapy - even the "bad" cells). Sounds reasonable, but so do lots of things... Anyway, his office says that he recommends chemotherapy for canine lymphoma and there might be other things to try after the chemo or if we decide to discontinue the chemo, but at this point, he would have us take the path that we are on. That was good to hear.

I'm grateful to know why Abby wasn't eating since it was ripping us up. I'm grateful that we have a path that we can follow for some distance at least. I'm grateful that Abby is already feeling MUCH better. And I'm grateful that I know Abby will tell us what to do next. I'm really grateful to know Abby.

Frustration

Abby just threw up what she ate today - which wasn't much, but at least it was something. That means she didn't get her supplements or (probably) her antibiotic. It also means that we will probably be going back to the vet tomorrow. It's looking like we need to x-ray and/or ultrasound to see exactly what's going on inside. In the meantime, I feel terrible for her. She seems very tired. Okay, but tired. She did play with me some today and was relatively perky - trotting outside and following me up and down stairs, but she's definitely not right.

I just want to help her. Help her to be comfortable and happy for as long as she chooses to be with us - and it will be her choice. It might be a day or it might be ten years. Living like Abby isn't much fun today. We'll see how tomorrow is...

No Sleep

Thursday and Friday nights were not fun. Abby awakened us three times on Thursday night and four times on Friday night. We would take her out and she would "do some business", but not hurriedly and not as if her stomach was upset. On Saturday morning, I had to decide if she should see the vet or if it "could wait" until Monday. I also had to be at a workshop from 9am to 6pm and it was already 8:15am. I had called her oncologist on Friday and told him the story (got into trash, still not eating well, temperature was normalish at 101.6, etc.) and his advice was to have our regular vet see her to determine if she had an intestinal blockage - which could be quite serious and might require surgery. I decided to take her temperature. It was 101.7 - still normalish, but she whimpered as I was taking her temperature and that sealed the deal - she needed to go to the vet. So Mike canceled his morning meeting and took her to the vet by himself - for the first time. We were both nervous, to say the least.

Long story short, the vet took blood and some urine and during the exam decided that he did not think that she had an intestinal blockage - he was thinking pancreatitis or a kidney infection. He settled on a kidney infection due to high white blood cell count and no vomiting (which might have inclined him toward pancreatitis). After an injection of antibiotic and a prescription, they returned home. More importantly, last night, Abby slept through the night - YEAH!! She's still not eating all that well, but one thing at a time. Dr. Clemens did say that a kidney infection could affect her appetite, but I think that we'll make a follow-up appointment to talk about the appetite thing in a week or so.

Okay. Time to walk the dogs one more time tonight and then sleep...

Back To Life, Back To Reality...

Sorry, the lines of that song just came to me as I was wondering what to write. I was thinking, "Hmmm....the big news is that Abby got into the trash today and is now perfuming the house with disagreeable odors." Since Abby has always been the culprit when trash is involved (with some assistance from the cats on occasion we suspect) - back to life, back to reality. Let's hope that I get some sleep tonight and don't get "whimpered" into taking her out hourly all night long...

Living Like Abby.

Letting Go...Again

I spent much of the weekend confused. Wondering if Abby was out of remission, or if she had ever been in remission, would she be okay, would I be okay, etc. The little lump on her foot between two of her toes had looked like a new little toe when I found it. It even seemed to have a teeny tiny little toe nail on it. I'm not kidding, I showed Mike and he agreed. It was strange - I started calling it her new toe. I guess anything can happen, right? But dogs don't usually grow new toes. I debated whether it could have been there for a while (or ever?) and we hadn't seen it until now (one reason is that I don't cut her back toenails - ever.) Mike didn't think that was likely, though. So I decided to do a meditation on the new toe, since I wasn't going to rush her into the vet over the weekend anyway. So I imagined that I was able to vaccuum all of the weird toe cells and any other strange cells in the area into the little teeny toe nail. Once that was accomplished, I imagined that I could shut down all blood flow to the new toe - I cut the lines and then capped them off. Then the new toe would have all the unwelcome cells in it and no blood flow and it would just fall away.

The meditation helped me somehow and relaxed me - whether or not it did anything for Abby is another story. I was gone all day on Saturday and then most of Sunday, too. I had not seen Abby licking at her foot and Mike hadn't either, so that was good. I looked at the new toe on Sunday evening - and it was gone. Yup, gone. There is a small reddish area where the lumpy new toe was, but no more lumpy toe. I've checked several times and it's still gone. I wondered if maybe it was ulcerating, like her original sore, but the area does not seem to be getting bigger or worse - maybe even getting a little better. I'm not saying it won't come back or couldn't still cause a problem, but hey, we never know, right? So, I'm letting go again. Letting go of the fact that we might have more lumps in our future. Letting go of the fact that we have to take things day by day. Letting go of the possiblity of more drugs or supplements or surgeries or other stuff. Just letting it all go - again...

Today

Abby's ALT level is still coming down - now it's down to 392 from 1090-something last week. While talking to the vet he said that if she doesn't get any more lumps we will probably take a break on the chemo. Yeah!

Then tonight I saw her licking her foot. It might be another lump. Not sure, can't tell.

Don't know what's next...

Another Story

After several weeks of rehearsals and about 2/3 of our performances were under our belts, Abby started to improvise. At one point in the play, a police officer is scolding Annie and a group of people who have been living under a bridge. At this time, Annie has caught Sandy and is holding her on a rope. So the police officer scolds the people and Annie talks back and while the officer is disbursing the ruffians he realizes that Annie is the runaway from the orphanage and takes her into custody (Sandy gets loose and lost in the scuffle). That sets the scene. So at one of the afternoon performances (we were doing two or three every weekend), we get to this scene and when the police officer starts scolding the group - Abby starts barking back at him. She had never done this before. She barked right back at him like, "Don't you yell at Annie!!" She almost drowned him out. The actors just played along and the crowd loved it, of course, and we just chuckled and shook our heads, "That's our Abby." She proceeded to do this at ALL of the remaining performances.

Even funnier was that backstage she would sidle up to the man playing the police officer (a really nice guy who liked her a lot) and she would wag her tail at him and ask for pets. I always interpreted that as her saying, "I was only ACTING out there. I really like you!"

That crazy Abby...

Two Months

We are two months post diagnosis of our cutaneous malignant epitheliotropic lymphoma. But who's counting? This is the expected life expectancy for dogs with lymphoma who do not receive treatment. Two months. It sure feels like it's been longer than two months, but the calendar doesn't lie. Abby went to the onocologist today to get more bloodwork done to check on those pesky liver enzymes. She's been hit or miss with eating, so I've started to get creative - today a scrambled egg in olive oil served over wet and dry kibble with chunks of fresh carrot - YUM! Oh and several spoonfuls of yogurt - which she loves.

Next task is to discuss whether or not to do any more chemo. We'll see what the blood says and go from there.

Sorry, I didn't write another thespian episode (I know everyone is waiting with bated breath). Will do that tomorrow...

The Thespian

So tonight, a story...

Once upon a time (two years ago), I received a phone call about the fact that Beachwood Middle School was performing the play Annie and was looking for a dog to play Sandy. This person (Amy Gutmann of Canine University) thought of Abby and wondered if I would be interested. WOULD I BE INTERESTED? ARE YOU KIDDING? I called the woman in charge of the play about 12.5 seconds after hanging up with Amy and we went down to audition that evening.

So, we enter the auditorium and walk down the aisle toward the front (it was sort of obvious why we were there...) Sam and Mike stayed in the back and rolled their eyes a lot (in support, I think). Abby greeted everyone enthusiastically (surprise, surprise) and everyone loved her and was asking questions about her. After a few minutes they decided to have one of the two Annies sing "Tomorrow" up on stage with Abby, to see how Abby felt about the singing, the music, the costume, the stage, etc. I found this completely amusing since I knew that Abby would absolutely adore being on stage. So up on stage they go, Abby looking adoringly at Annie, Annie singing to the crowd and to Abby. Abby wagging her tail and looking thoughtful, then lying down at Annie's feet and looking up at her and out at the audience. I am not making this up. This is exactly what happened. I was nearly in tears from trying to stifle my laughter so as not to distract her.

When the song was over, they were pretty sold on her to say the least. The actor who was playing Daddy Warbucks said to me, "Has she acted before?" I attempted to keep a straight face as I answered, "No, but she's always been a ham. She has never, ever done this before." He was amazed...

And so, Abby became a paid thespian. Another episode tomorrow...

To Know Or Not To Know

Is it better to know how long we have or not to know how long we have? I was wondering this as I was playing with Abby tonight - making faces and jousting with her to get her riled up. She was pouncing on things and barking like crazy. So, would I rather know that she's fine and we have "plenty of time" to play and walk and talk and joust - or would I prefer to know that we had little time and that I should make her my top priority? Conversely, would it be best to not know either and be faced with living in the moment. The question is moot, of course, because we don't get to choose whether we know or not - but moot questions can still be interesting questions...

The question applies to much more than Abby, of course. Would I prefer to know that my car is going to need $700 of repairs, or not know? Would I prefer to know that I'm going to be working at my dream job next year, or not know? Would you prefer to know about upcoming illnesses, or financial windfalls, or not know?

I know that I do not know...if I would want to know or not know...

Just A Note...

I arrived home after dark this evening and as I exited the car, two dogs barked me into the house with great joy.

I returned their joy, we ate, we walked, we're going to sleep...

Bloodwork

So Abby's ALT is down to 1092, says the technician who calls me this morning. I said, "Are you sure? Because it was about 1000 to begin with..." No, she says, it was 2000 to begin with - uh, that's not what they told me on the phone when I asked. So the good news is that it's come down by half in one week with no medicines or any other interventions (except tapping, Reiki, and love, of course). The bad news is that it was twice as high initially as I had been told. The short story is that the oncologist wants to recheck bloodwork again next week.

Sounds fine to me.

Abby ate her peanut butter pill balls tonight and she had pretty close to a normal ration of kibble and wet food (hand fed - this appears to be the current phase). She's obviously hungry, but is being somewhat picky or suspicious or both. Who cares? She's eating and the ALT is coming down. Let's party! Treats for everyone!

A Breakthrough

Today, I was giving Abby her pills in peanut butter as we have become accustomed to doing. I coat 2-3 capsules at a time with peanut butter forming a ballish type structure and then I offer it to her to see if she will eat it. She turns her head away and then I gently open her mouth and place the peanut butter ball way back on her tongue. Hold her mouth loosely shut, she mouths it a little, and then poof - all gone. So today, the above happened (offer, turn away, down the hatch) and then when I made the second peanut butter pill ball and offered it to her...she turned away again. But then, as I gently opened her mouth, she reached for the peanut butter ball...and ate it! I could see the wheels in her head turning - "Hmmmm, next she's going to open my mouth and put her fingers and that thing that tastes pretty good into my mouth. Maybe I can just take the thing and avoid the fingers..." Abby then proceeded to eat the other extra crunchy pill balls the same way. Ah-hah! This was much easier all around. I would love if it would continue, but this whole letting go thing kind of requires that I not get attached to anything. So, I won't. But it would be really cool if it could be easier on both of us more often, at least :)

Also, we had a blood test to check liver enzymes yesterday (no results back yet) and Abby has definitely been more interested in food - to the point of eating wet and dry dog food with only off-Broadway quality theatrics on my part (like tossing kibble bits to her as if they were treats, warming food up, and pretending to eat her food myself with lots of "Ooooohhhh, yummy! Delicious!" comments.) Sam has also volunteered to try all of her food prior to her eating it to make sure that it is safe. In addition, he mocks her hesitation by diving in and stealing anything that she refuses. "Fine, you don't want it, I'll eat it. Get out of my way, Abby! Tastes good to me!" It's his way of helping encourage her competitive eating spirit - otherwise known as "sharking".

Another day, another night...

Two Kinds of Selfish People

"We think that by protecting ourselves from suffering we are being kind to ourselves. The truth is, we only become more fearful, more hardened, and more alienated. We experience ourselves as being separate from the whole. This separateness becomes like a prison for us, a prison that restricts us to our personal hopes and fears and to caring only for the people nearest to us. Curiously enough, if we primarily try to shield ourselves from discomfort, we suffer. Yet when we don't close off and we let our hearts break, we discover our kinship with all beings. His Holiness the Dalai Lama describes two kinds of selfish people: the unwise and the wise. Unwise selfish people think only of themselves, and the result is confusion and pain. Wise selfish people know that the best thing they can do for themselves is to be there for others. As a result, they experience joy."

from When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

Dogs are wise selfish people...

Surprise, Surprise

Abby ate her dinner tonight. All of it. From her bowl. And it was kibble. The new, grain-free kibble that she has been refusing to even look at closely. Okay, so it had some "cat food soup" added to it - warm water swished around in a nearly empty cat food can. But, still, she ate all of it. Over the past few days she had started to eat a few pieces of the "old" kibble when it was tossed on the floor - but not out of her bowl.

The second surprise was that she then proceeded to eat all of her supplements in peanut butter. Gobbled them down. Who would have thunk it? I'm beginning to wonder if the high liver enzymes haven't been having some effect on her appetite and maybe they are starting to recede and she's perhaps feeling a little more like herself.

The focus for the past week or so had been on Abby's not eating. A few days ago, the focus changed because I realized that focusing on her not eating was causing me to not eat and then I thought, "Am I not eating because Abby's not eating, or is she not eating because I'm not eating?" - the short version of that was wondering if my stress about her not eating had begun to affect her and discourage her from eating. So we started just not caring if she ate or not - not in a heartless way, but in a matter-of-fact way. "Okay, so don't eat it then, if you don't want it." I wondered if maybe she knew something that we didn't. Maybe it was better for her body to not have much food to process for a few days - giving the system a little downtime, maybe. She also was able to eat anything that she wanted (which still wasn't much) as long as it was not likely to make her sick(er), of course... And magically, she ate tonight (so did I, don't worry, Mom). Whether we had anything to do with her change or not, I'll never know...

So here we are. Not sure what tomorrow morning will bring, of course (or even the overnight hours). But with the full moon shining down through the middle of the skylight right now, things feel pretty darn good.